Memoirs of a Lunatic

Every time I find a job that I like something always goes wrong and it gets screwed up.  I know when people ask this question the answer is usually the person asking the question.  In my case maybe it is because I must pick the wrong jobs. 

It all started when I quit the job of my youth which I loved.  I got married and couldn't afford to keep this job so I got hired on at a home improvement warehouse.  I loved it at first.  I was at a small store, I got good hours because at every job I work I bust my hump.  Then my x wife decided to apply for a management job at my store, only because she worked for the same company but at a different store, at the time it was a good financial decision for us but company rules prohibit family to work at same store if one is in management.  So guess what I had to leave my store and go to hers.  IT SUCKED.  I became low on the totem pole again and I had to work my way back into the good schedule again.  I got tired of this store due to management.  I was well liked but didnt like the way things went on there, so i quit and got a better job.

The next great thing happened I found the Job of My Dreams.  I wanted to get away from my life at the time.  My x wife and I were having problems so I got a job traveling around the country installing fiber optic equipment.  I loved this job.  I was gone from home alot and being that we were always waiting on parts or travelling from place to place I actually worked about 20 hrs a week and got paid well on my check and also got a per deim check every week to live on so actually i got 2 checks. It was awesome. Then the company i was contracted to's CEO decided to steal money from the company and it went under forcing them to get rid of all their contractors thus putting me out of a job.  Oh yeah did I mention that I was moving up the ladder training to be a crew lead and have my own crew. Blahhh  Damn it i had to start over again.  Only good thing i can say about this is that I met my beautiful wife while working here and well the rest is history.

Well when I moved i lost a job that was a good one.  Well i chose to quit bc lets just say i disagreed with certain company policies regarding inhalation of a green leafy substance.  Totally my Fault because i didnt take advantage of the help the company was giving me.  So I took a job with a lax leafy substance policy and learned the hard way that being a stoner and having a good job doesnt go hand in hand. So i gave up the lettuce and got another good job.

I had a job doing the same thing i do now but for a different company.  Well out of my control the company lost a contract and was forced to do lay offs.  Guess what I was only there 5 months and needless to say i was part of the fat getting cut.  After a month of unemployment and a crappy construction job i took to help make ends meet I ended up where I am now.

Lets just say I loved the company I used to work for.  I moved up very quickly.  I am now a lead tech, which is like an assistant manager at other companies.  Well we got bought out by a corporation.  After upper management saying that nothing was going to change everything changed.  Well we just got bought out again and are still getting changes.  Upper management wants to cut hours of my guys by keeping them home on days in which we don't have much work then asking them to work late the next day to catch up on the missed day and all the stuff that piled up since.  I had 3 people quit last week which screwed up the on call schedule.  Once a month is ok to deal with but now i'm back on call every other week.  The hours cut doesn't really apply to me except during winter but i can understand because there isn't work to do.  But now that its busy it gets hard having to pick up all the slack that gets cut when people quit and when hours get cut. 

I know its my fault by getting jobs in the fields I do but I don't know what else I want to do.  I wish i would have gotten a bachelors degree in a different specialized field instead of general studies but I just wish that I could find something where I can just work, move up and be left alone.  I don't mean to bitch But i hope its not me.

Imus, X amount of gangsta rappers, Sharpton, KKK, Nazi Nation. All are full of crap.  The problem is people focus on what these guys say and make a big deal about nothing.  Sure some of these groups are hate groups which I do Not condone but this country is based on freedom of speech.  The same freedom we have to spread love, joy, peace, and laughs. 

I think people focus too much on what other people say or think and want everyone to change to their way of thinking.  For example I grew up in South Louisiana and let me tell you at the time it was like a way back machine with opinions about race.  Most of the people have biased opinions passed down from generation to generation.  There is even a KKK show on the public access channel.  I dont agree with their message but they have a right to say it.  As a matter of fact there were usually 3 dudes on the channel one who had no mask and 2 who did.  To the 2 that had masks on you are Freakin Cowards.  I admire the fact that the one guy went maskless to show his face so people would know who he was.  Even though his messages are wrong he grasps the right of free speech.

I hate rap music.  Well let me rephrase I hate new rap music.  I loved old school rap like LL Cool J, Run DMC, and the sort but now adays its like who has the most HO's Bling and Money. Imus is an idiot for saying what he said.  But really what is the difference, he said what most of rap music says.  I understand he focused on a specific group of people and not a generalized group but no difference in my eyes. And Al Sharpton  you better eat crow.  I am referring to the Duke Lacrosse team.  As soon as it first hit everyone convicted those boys of gang raping that young black woman but where is the media spectacle of you saying my bad because all charges were dropped.  I feel sorry for those boys and their family because now they have over a combined 3 million dollars in legal fees.  BULLSHIT in my opinion someone better pay for that bc they did nothing wrong.  Even though Al you were wrong no one is taking away the right to your opinion.

What im trying to get at is that i have a right to say what i want and so do you.  Why cant we see people as what they are PEOPLE.  Not a label of  black, white, purple, green, Jew, Muslim, Christian,Athiest, Gay,Straight,Bisexual it doesnt matter.  All the above have human rights and are equal to everyone else.  I hate the fact that what one person said even though it is the same thing other people say in music or art or verbal, he is made a spectacle because his skin color is different than the other there are a different set of consequences.  We need to respect eachother and ignore ignorance whatever form it may take. But remember they have a right to be ignorant just like the rest of us have the power to ignore.

As everyone already knows by now Anna Nichole Smith died of an "accidental" drug overdose.  This is the big headline of the day.  What I am about to say may sound harsh or heartless but I am not trying to go in that direction.  Who Cares!!!!! people die every day.  What about the homeless dude freezing to death, or the father of two who died in a car wreck, or the 3 year old dying of cancer.  Why does this crap dominate the media.  Why does society care about why someone who got famous for marrying a rich old dude and gettin all his money.  Its not only with her its also peeps like Spears shaving her head, or Jolie adopting her 100th kid, which in fact is something beneficial to those children because they dont have to grow up in poverty.  Why do these people get worshiped by the media.

What about the heart surgeon who saves his 10th life of the day, or the single mom who wakes up every morning and has to make miracles happen to make ends meet for her children, or the school teachers who in my opinion, and I am not one of them by the way, are severly underpaid molding the minds of our future. Why arent these people looked up to in the eyes of society.

What makes some skinny, eating disorder ridden teenage chicks or young adults, take your pick there are so many, so interesting to read about and see on the news.  I just dont get it.  I for one like movies and music and it would be  cool to meet these people because their lives are more interesting than my own,  but in no way do i Idolize them.   Why are these people put on pedestals and loved so much.  Something is really wrong with this world and our society when people who do good for the good of all men either go unrecognized or are killed for their views.

What makes people love those like Anna, Brit, and Lohan and make some of them hate people like Dr Martin Luther King.  Why was the only perfect person which walked on water, healed the sick, cured blindness, deafness, and leperocy nailed to a cross.  Why are his followers ridiculed for doing good things.  I being one of them understand there are some of us who are judgemental and pushy but what makes us hated and celebs loves so much.  Why do people not embrace that there are differences in peoples ethnicity but we are all just people.

I am not heartless, I Do Care for Anna's Family especially for her little girl. Why didnt the news show if someone reached out to her to help her. Why are they concerned more about Britt going wacko and nobody going forward to help her so she doesnt end up down the same road. Why do people say Wow she adopted another kid but dont go and do it themselves or  glamorize the millionsof regular joes and janes who do the same thing or actually praise the ones who raise their own.

For society's sake I would hope I am not in the minority for thinking this way.  I know at times I get caught up in all this crap, but what is it about human beings that makes us this way.

To my wife,

     I know you dont like mushy stuff so I won't go there.  I know you are not much into being flattered so I won't go there.  This letter is for you to know how much i apreciate and love you.  Im not going to go on on how great you are or how beautiful I think you are.  What I am going to talk about is the affect you have on me.  Before I met you I was very unhappy with life.  I was a drug addict, I was self centered, and I didn't care about myself and from my actions I didn't care about others.  I look back on how much has changed since I met you and I am not the same person. Since I met you I have kicked my bad habbits, and I am totaly honest in our relationship, something which I have never done in the past relationships i've been in.  I know change comes from within but I want you to know that you were definately a catalyst. 

     I am not going to go on and on about everything you do for me and I am gonna keep it short because I have a bunch of work to do today.  I just want you to know that I have been an ass to you in the past and im sure if i know me will be an ass to you in the future,(especially when we clean house) lol, but this I do know I could not be complete without you in my life.  You are my best friend, the mother of my child, and the love of my life.  I promise that I will try my hardest to make you happy.  I know the sun might not always shine on our relationship but even though we may have storms in life I wouldnt want anyone else by my side.  I look forward to getting old with you and watching our son grow up and hopefully soon we will have another one.  I also want to thank you for all the love and nice things you have done for me and hopefully i am doing my part to repay the favor.  Just know that I love you very much and I will always will.

Love

Me

I am going to keep this short.  I don't know why but i have been feeling antisocial lately.  Last week i totally just lived in my own little world and didn't want to be bothered by anyone.  I hate when i feel this way.  I don't know why just sometimes i like to be left alone.  If you know me this isn't what i am usually like.  I made an effort friday night when we had company and I even went to the park on Sat.  Sun i planned on just hanging out with the fam but wife had work to do so i sat on my chair alone and watched Movies.  I tried again yesterday, but then something came up and i was left home alone most of the evening.  After some time with my kid while wife was in tub i feel better.  I hope nothing comes up tonight bc i really miss my wifes company.  Having responsibilities sucks. 

Any way i seem to be feeling more social and I hope tonight i can catch up with my family.  I hope i have a better post next time.

On my last post i stated that i don't know if i had grown up yet.  Well i came to a harsh reality this weekend.  No it wasn't when my wife cut my hair and there was a lot more grey hair there than last time, It was on Sunday morning.  You see on Saturday night my buddies band Dora Dank was playing at the Banzai awards show at the Hurricane in Kansas City.  The Wife and I havn't been out to support them in a while and it was my friends birthday and we havn't had an evening out together for a while so we decided to give it a whirl.

Let me tell you this, after spending almost 40 bucks, which doesn't exactly grow on trees for us anymore, and not drinking anything I felt like crap on Sunday morning.  I don't know if it was the lack of sleep, or not breathing fresh air for a couple of hours, (thanks by the way smokers),  I had a hard time getting out of bed.  I dont know when my age creeped up on me but I actually complained that the music was too loud, there were too many people, and the smoke really bothered me.  As a matter of fact i think i bitched the whole night. 

My buddies band was great but we should have left when they were done.  The next band however sucked really bad.  I should have known when the bass player was playing a 6 string bass located directly below his nipple, the guitar player had a 7 string guitar, and there was a keyboard.  But the band that came on after these guys was really good so we decided to stay.  Well about 6 or 7 10 minute songs later then about a 45 min wait they took the stage and by that time my feet hurt, my head hurt, i couldnt breathe and i was getting pissed off.  I was so relieved after that band played 2 songs that my wife said "we can go when ever you want to."

I was also relieved when she said that she really didnt have that great of a time and it would have been better to stay home and play with our son.  The fact of the matter is that 3 years ago this was a typical wednesday or tuesday night when my buddies old band would play.  I came to a swift realization and got a good kick in the nuts when i realized I have become my parents.

Well thats all for now but ill leave with this comment.  I dont give a shit if you want to kill yourselves by smoking, hell i dont give a shit if you smoke outside.  But why in the hell in a enclosed public place do i have to endure breathing in your toxic fumes.  I know this may sound like discrimination but I should have the right to go anywhere i want to and not be subject to taking a few precious hours off of my life.  Im sorry if i pissed you off smoker but thats just the way it should be.  With that i bid you  goodbye.

If you dont know me well my life has always been dependant on addictions.  Some of these addictions have benifited me and some well, were fun but sometimes its time to grow up.  I dont know why i have an addictive personality.  Honestly i dont like it sometimes, but there are some I want to have back and i dont have the motivation anymore to do them.

I used to be addicted to working out.  I was a total gym rat, always pumping iron, eating right, telling others when asked how i got so big and full of muscles.  I used to dream about being on the cover of muscle and fitness.  Then i moved away from my favorite gym ever and lost my motivation to work out due to the fact that i got content with my life, thanks to my beautiful wife, and never have been able to gain it back.  After spending over 1000 bucks on a home gym which we've used about 2 months out of 2 yrs you would think that i would continue my habbit.

I used to be addicted to playing music.  I am a bass player who used to practice hours upon hours a day.  I loved playing, I loved the rush of creating a cool line. I loved to stand in front of my speakers and just feel the music flow.  I used to dream about being on the cover of Rolling Stone with my fellow kick ass band mates.  Then i got pretty good and just stopped practicing because i would get my chance on fridays to jam out with my friend and his son.  Well needless to say, I have a beautiful son, who loves music, but because we enjoy time with him on weekends I dont get to go over and jam every friday anymore.  After spending over 2000 bucks on 2 basses a kick ass bass rig, cords, cables, pics, music books, ect. you think that i would want to continue my habbit.

I am now embarrasingly saying I have become addicted to online video gaming.  In October last year my little brother came to visit me at home and introduced me to World of Warcfaft.  This game is very very fun and very very addictive.  I enjoy playing the game, but its not that thats addictive.  The addictive part is that i get to meet new friends, hang out playing with my brother and escape from reality.  I know this is going to sound stupid but my life other than my wife and child kind of sucks.  My job is mundane, My really good friends live in Louisiana, My family live in Alabama and Hawaii, and playing this game cures the longing for my family and friends because it gives me both.  In real life I am  the guy you see painting underground utilities on the side of the road and give no thought to.  But online in my game i am sometimes a hero of Azeroth.  I help out other people playing, I always get compliments on how my guy looks so cool, or that my gear is awesome and there is always the "hey u gotta minute can u help me".  I know it sounds stupid but the compliments i get in the game are what i sometimes don't get in real life and it makes me feel great. I also have met some pretty cool guys because the game is also like an online chat room or if you read blogs getting to know someone online through reading their posts.  I know its not real but playing lets me escape from reality and become a hero in a fictional world. I spend a monthly fee to play but its justified bc i guess its like paying for a web site or an online music service.

Well anyway do you see a pattern here.  I know this isnt as bad as being addicted to drugs, which i still crave the herb, or alcohol which if it wasnt for my depression meds i would enjoy quite alot more, but I dont know why i cant be content just being me.  I guess the point is im 30 and still dont know what i want to be when i grow up, well that is if i ever did grow up anyway. I know I am a father and a husband and have responsibilities of an adult but i am still a kid at heart. I know i am a hero to my son and my wife loves me dearly but my addictions help me escape from the reality that to other than my family i will always be an average joe.  I need to get off my ass and start to take up some of my old habbits.  The only problem is that some of these addictions may pay off in the future but Lazyness pays off now.  I want to play my guitar more, i want to start working out more, i want more time to play my game and escape from reality.  I wish i had more time to spend time with my family. I wish someone would invent a way to stop time.  I love my addictions, if it wasnt for my addictions i fear i would be insane.

This is my first attempt at writing a blog so bear with me if its crappy.  Tomorrow is my brothers birthday.  Well it was anyway.  Almost a year ago, well exactly 5 days from now his life was ended by his own hands.  A year has passed and the only thing thats changed is nothing.  I still hurt deeply.  I look at his picture and fight back the tears.  I write this blog and fight back the tears.  I still cannot get the phone call from my dad out of my head, remembering every word of the conversation, where I was, what I was doing.  I got the call right after I got off of work on a Monday.  Little did I know that halfway across the country my brothers life was slipping away while i was working unexpectedly.  I called him one year ago tomorrow to wish him a happy birthday but he wasnt home and did not return my call.  The last time i had spoken to him was arround New Years when we went him at his home with the rest of my family.  I regret this.  That being said Josh and I did not get along well as children.  As most syblings do we fought constantly about everything.  The only physical fight I was ever involved was with him which ended with me a busted lip and him a cut under his left eye. I regret this.  This I do not regret,  Since we grew up we became close, those old bad memories faded away and we became friends looking forward to eachothers company.  I knew he was having problems with his life like everyone else does but i didnt know it was that bad.  His marriage was falling apart and he couldnt deal.  I, being Divorced and remarried knew what he was going through and gave him some advice when he came visit us after our son was born. Little did i know what he was really feeling inside.  I wasnt arround to see it, it wasnt talked about, and i didnt know what was on his mind.  I regret that I didnt talk to him more often, I regret that i didnt tell him how much i loved him and what he meant to me, I wish I could have been there when he needed me.  I know im not responsible for what happened but i sometimes blame myself for not doing more, not calling, not visiting.  I have also felt the things he had, suffering from depression myself but I have too much to live for.  I have seen what his actions have done to a family not only mine, but his, and his friends, and those who composed his life.  At first I was angry at him for the pain he caused me and my family by cutting his life short but that has passed.  I know there was nothing i could have done or said that would have prevented anything.  But   I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could have done more, i could have made a better effort to make the memories i have better.  He may be gone and only be a memory but he was loved and will always be loved.  Even though he is only a memory now he lives on in my mind and I believe I will see him again.  My advice  dont take life for granted because  you  never know if you or someone you love will not be there anymore to tell them.  I miss and love you bro. I just wish i could have told you more in real life.